


Compartmentalizing April

by Jerry_Larchive



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 07:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12249885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jerry_Larchive/pseuds/Jerry_Larchive
Summary: 14X02 finally saw April confess her feelings about what happened between them in Montana.She told him that he was better at compartmentalizing their relationship than she was and how it hurt her to think that their relationship had devolved to occasional casual sex.In this angsty short OS, Jackson reflects on what she said and his thoughts on the matter.





	Compartmentalizing April

What did she call it, _compartmentalizing_? Is that what I do?

If that's what it is, then I'm not as good at it as she thinks. Because right now, I think I'm as fucked up as I've ever been and that, my friend, is saying something.

Sure, I've gotten good at separating myself from my personal life when I get in the OR. But every good surgeon does that. It's a necessary survival mechanism.

But April thinks I do that with my personal life too? That I have some kind of way of separating ex-wife April from best friend April, from mother of Harriet April? Usually she has way more insight into me than I have in myself but not in this case. In this case, she is dead wrong.

But I get why she thinks that. I really do. I just wish I knew what to do to convince her otherwise. Fuck, I just wish I could decide that I should try.

You see, April is the reason I can't fucking compartmentalize. If not for her, I probably could do it and save myself a ton of pain and anger and self-doubt. If I were able to make boxes and put her in them like that, it would be so much easier.

I'd have best friend April who knows me the best of anyone in the world. I could talk to her about anything and she never judged me, no matter how much what I was doing conflicted with her concept of right and wrong. I could confess my worst sins to her and know there was no way in the world she'd ever betray me or hold them against me. I could expose all my weakness and she'd always come back and tell me I could do anything. When the rest of the world lined up against me, she would have my back. Yeah, I could sure use that April right now. I need her so fucking badly.

April, my wife, the One, yeah it would be nice to put that in a box and tie a bow around it for a keepsake. That was the April that made me a better man. She called me on my shit and made me realize that there are many sides to every story. She challenged me to grow up and own who I am and where I came from. More importantly, she made me think about where I want to be and how to get there. And yet, every single day I found myself growing more in love with her. That stuff I said at her wedding about loving even what I don't like? Really became true during that brief wonderful marriage. That it ended the way it did... well, we both have to take responsibility for that, don't we?

How about a Jordan box? Oh, man, that would have been the ticket! I could have taped that sucker closed, buried the fucker and never given it another thought. That would have been infinitely preferable to having it haunt me to this day. Why did she go? Why wasn't I her answer? Why couldn't she see that I needed her? To not have those questions in the back of my mind every frickin time I see her would be so liberating. But Jordan continues to defy my ability to compartmentalize it away.

Intimate April, what can I even say about that? I told her I'd never regret sleeping with her and God, if there is a God, You know that is definitely the truth. Being with her was... _is_ the most incredible feeling in the world. No secret there. Loving the person you're having sex with is entirely different than just having sex. And I knew it right from that first time, didn't I? Being with her is the only time I've ever been able to just absolutely surrender to my feelings. I swear that when I'm with her I feel the very lines of our beings blurring and it's incredible. She says that time in Montana caused her pain? That next morning she probably assumed I was thinking about my father. I wonder if she had looked in my eyes as we laid there and she reassured me for the millionth time, I wonder if she would have seen it, that it was impossible for me to continue to deny that I love her? And loving her, after all we've been through, just takes more courage than I've got at the moment.

Did I realize that being with me was her acknowledgment of her still loving me? Of course I did. But she's always had more courage than I have. And she's always overestimated me too. Well, I think she's learned her lesson on that front.

Harriet's mom. Is it possible that this is the only April box I have left? At least it's the only one that I can't really fuck up. Wait, that's not true is it? I can even fuck this up if I'm not careful. I came close already once. Well, that was mostly my mom but I needed to have jumped all over that as soon as I had a clue it was going down. And I didn't. And it was almost a disaster. Then to almost lose April during childbirth. Fuck, that was bad. I should be thanking Ben every day for saving them both. See what I mean about April's courage?

But, getting back to my original point, these boxes don't really exist. That's where she is mistaken. Best friend April has always been there. Without her, intimate April wouldn't have been that big a deal and I never would have conceived of having her for my wife. There would have been no Samuel and no Jordan but also no Harriet, and that would have been the greatest tragedy of my life, no matter my ignorance of its possibility.

April is. She is the thread that runs through every fabric of my adult life. She defies compartments and boxes and categorization and labels. She is bigger than any of those things. She's tiny enough to pick up but she fills my life so completely I can't imagine not having her here. Here, with me, I mean, just to be perfectly clear.

I told her once that I want it all. I want the whole damn thing. And I guess I still do. I want best friend April. I want Harriet's mom. For sure, I want intimate April. And yeah, I want April my wife. Even if it means keeping that damn Jordan box in the attic somewhere. I'll fucking learn to compartmentalize that shit away, because I want everything else. Every damn thing else. Because I love her. Even what I don't like, I love.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know things look dark for Japril but I continue to hold out hope that there'll be light, probably at the end of a "long dark tunnel".  
> Meanwhile, this is how I think Jackson should be thinking. :-)


End file.
